Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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