i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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