Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
