I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
