When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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