I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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