i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
