Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
