She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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