Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
