i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
