How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
