party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
