i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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