Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They took my balls.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
