so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
