I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
