meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
