why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
