Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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