Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
