The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think your dad took our porno
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
