Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
