Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
