You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
