I am puke
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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