tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
