Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
