you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
