I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
