Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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