I am midnight drunk by noon
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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