so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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