I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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