The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
