you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize