Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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