Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
