guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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