You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
