Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
