Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
