my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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