I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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