So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got inside last night via doggy door
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
