Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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