it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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