FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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