I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
