my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.