you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
