very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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