So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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