I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
