Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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