well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
