My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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